Hipster Punoff

Hipster Punoff Sneak Peak: EW’s “Top 10 Musicians Who You Say You Love But Would Most Likely Terrify You In Real Life” List

Recently, we here at HP got our hands up an upcoming issue of EW and decided to treat our readers with a sneak peak at their listaious list: “The Top 10 Musicians Who You Say You Love But Would Most Likely Terrify You In Real Life”:

10. Kanye West

Sure, we all love his tweets and blog posts but let’s face it, when you’re awake at 5AM, sitting on his impossibly small designer couch (it’s from Iceland), squeezed in between Rick Ross and Aziz Ansari, bored out of your mind, looking at an IPhoto slideshow of architecture he liked on his recent trip to Turkey set to an unmastered Swizz Beatz track while he drunkenly tries to order a pizza with white truffles on it, you’ll be dying to go back to just retweeting.

9. Any Member Of Animal Collective

We all love their music. And up until about the 20 minute mark, all of the AC boys could hold their own at a cocktail party but imagine being trapped in a tour van and dealing with the Geologist tripping on shrooms, loudly repeating the word “cumulus”, a high Panda Bear trying to talk to his wife in Portuguese on an IPhone and Avey Tare trying to play a didgeridoo and drive at the same time.

8. Best Coast/Wavves

Unless you are Tommy Chong it is going to be a nightmare trying to do anything with these two.

7. Stephen Malkamus

If you enjoy hearing people berate waiters and/or send food back, you will love some quality Malkamus time.

6. Bob Dylan

You know what it’s like when your Grandpa’s friend, who is kind of a hippy, comes to family dinners every once in a while? How it’s kinda fun for a little while and then he says something kind of insane and possibly racist and you’re like “maybe he has Alzheimer’s?” and then your Mom is like “no, honey, he doesn’t have Alzheimer’s”.

5. Morrissey

Forget about going anywhere Asian people hang out.

4. Lady Gaga

It’s all fun and games until she forces you to wear a dress made out of barbed wire, doll heads and razor blades so you can “co-ordinate”.

3. Courtney Love

INT. A DIMLY LIT BAR. LOS ANGELES. NIGHT.

FAN buys LOVE another drink. She accepts it with humility. The conversation drifts to the silly. The pair exchange jokes and insults into the wee hours of the night.

FAN: You know they have a drink named after you here?

LOVE: They have a drink called “The Courtney Love”?

FAN: No, it’s called “The Husband Killer” (laughs)

CUT TO:

Close-Up of Fan as he sinks to the bottom of the ocean off Malibu Beach.

2. Thom Yorke

Radiohead are gods. No disputing that. But think about how awkward it is interacting with the British guy at the office who goes off on weird tangents about all the “American gossip rags” you read even though you only bought an US Weekly like once and it was for your girlfriend. And then remember back to how hard it was doing ANYTHING with the overly political philosophy major you knew through friends in College? Combine them now.

1. Gucci Mane

Close your eyes and remember that one time you were riding on the back of the bus and that crazy dude with an obsession with Bart Simpson kept saying the weirdest shit to you. And how at first it was kind of amusing but then he got off at the same stop as you and you did that thing where you hold your house key in between your knuckles and you mentally double checked where your rape whistle was.

Portland Hipster “Just Needs To Clear His Head In the Mountains” And “Everything Will Be Just Fine”

Ben Mason - File Photo

PORTLAND, OR - A local barista named Ben Mason, loudly and without provocation, announced that he “just needs to clear his head in the mountains and then everything will be fine”. He made the bold statement in the middle of brunch to a group of 4 friends.

“It was kind of out of nowhere, man”, said a member of the group who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, we had just sat down and ordered drinks. I don’t even think he had opened his menu yet. We weren’t even talking about anything related to that. Kind of weird”.

An investigation into Mason’s background hardly adds light to the situation. His father and his mother are both working professionals (a lawyer and an architect, respectively) and according to multiple testimonials from friends and loved ones, Mason has never even really been camping.

“One time he asked if he could go with me to REI. But he didn’t buy anything. In fact, he seemed pretty bored the whole time”, stated ex-girlfriend Tina Monroe.

When probed for further comment Mr. Mason muttered something about Thoreau and then excused himself to use the bathroom. As to whether or not Mason actually does plan on a mountain retreat to clear his head, only time will tell.

Brooklyn Hipster Rents “Miss March” Ironically, Masterbates To It Unironically

Ziggy - File Photo

Greenpoint, Brooklyn - A local man, known simply as “Ziggy”, recently rented the “Whitest Kids U Know” produced sex comedy “Miss March”, in which a man awakens from a coma to discover his former high school sweetheart is posing for notorious skin mag Playboy.

After several minutes of “jokingly” “insisting” that his housemates Trevor Williams and Adam Morris “rent” the “movie”, it became apparent that Ziggy genuinely wanted to watch the film.

“At first I was all like ‘haha. ok dude. I get it, that looks terrible’ but then he was all like ‘but remember the whitest dudes u know? they were kind of funny’ and then Trevor was like ‘yeah, I guess, man’. So we got it cause it was 2 for 1 Tuesdays anyway”, Morris said.

After the trio returned home, they began watching the other film they rented, “Tetsuo The Iron Man”, which was “fuckin’ crazy, man” (Morris) before Ziggy went off to his bedroom, complaining of a headache and insisting he had to get up early the next day.

“It wasn’t until way later that I realized Ziggy took the copy of Miss March into his room with him”, stated Williams.

The pair contemplated making fun of Ziggy for the obvious usage of Miss March as pornographic material before realizing that they recently lost their stolen Wi-Fi connection and decided to let it slide. “Hell, man. When he goes to work I might sneak into his room and see what it has to offer”, said one of the pair who asked for his comment to remain anonymous. When asked on his account of the events, Ziggy simply said “I don’t know. Travis is a faggot, man”.

Michigan Bro Wakes Up In Alt Girl’s House, Wonders Why She Has So Many Ironic Coffee Mugs

David “The Wolf” Wolfe - File Photo

Saginaw, MI - Local dirtbag, David “The Wolf” Wolfe picked up a mildly attractive alt girl at an area Chipotle Restaurant this past Thursday at approx. 8:03PM, local time. After a few PBRs which he snuck in under his unnecessary vest, the girl agreed to take Mr. Wolfe back to her place for a nightcap. After a night of awkward small talk, chillwave listening and passionless yet loud lovemaking (to piss off her “slut roommate”) Mr. Wolfe agreed to spend the night. Early the next morning, Wolfe was shocked and confused at his discovery that the girl owned an inordinate amount of ironic coffee mugs.

“At first I just wanted to get some water and get the hell out of there”, he said. “But once I opened her cabinet, I was alarmed. I mean, I get the whole kitsch thing but it was like fuckin’ Hoarders or some shit”. Wolfe did manage to get a pic with his IPhone:

But he goes on to explain that this is only a small portion of the collection. “There’s at least a dozen more Disney related ones. And there’s another top shelf full of Garfield ones. And some Snoopys. Maybe she was molested or some shit?”

The girl in question could not be reached for comment. However, her roommate assures us that most of them are for sale via Etsy.